Relationship Advice

How to get your ex back – the definitive guide

I am about to reveal a relationship secret that people don’t want you to know. There are many, many two-bit morons who’re trying to sell you an e-book about how to get your ex back, and they DON’T want you to know this secret.

So here it is, at long last. The big secret. The earth-shattering revelation. The epiphany that will change the flow of time faster than Superman throwing a fit. The big secret. How to get your ex back, simply stated:

YOU DON’T!!!!
YOU MOVE THE FUCK ON!!!!

Oh I’m sorry, did I break your concentration? I know you didn’t want to hear that. That’s why you post a question like “how do I get my ex back?” – because you want a trick. A magic pill. You want things to go back to the same shitty way they were the day before the breakup, when in reality, the only time-travel that would help, is if you went back to when you first started going out, with the same knowledge… and since that’s impossible, the only reasonable answer is usually, you gotta travel FORWARD in time, to when you start going out with the next guy/girl, with all the useful knowledge and experience you’ve gleaned from the past.

There are just so many ways I could take this from this point on, because I know some of you are thinking, “yeah but MY situation is special/different.” No it’s not!

If you’ve only been going out for a very short time, then why even bother? Get the knowledge/experience, and move on. Feel fortunate that you got out this early.

If you’ve been going out for years, then I can understand that you feel there is a lot invested. That’s because there IS a lot invested. And you know what? It also means the “strain” on your real-hate-shun-shit probably dates back years as well. Trust me: There is no such thing as “we were happy for 5 years, and then out of the blue, she changed, and ended it with me.” Just because YOU were too self-absorbed to notice things slowly deteriorating doesn’t mean she hasn’t been feeling it for a long, long time. Hell, that’s probably why it’s over now – because you didn’t pay attention to what was going on, when your partner felt like s/he was screaming it at you.

That means no amount of pathetic apologizing and letter-writing will change things. In this case, the very very best thing you can do really is to gain a deep understanding of what happened. I don’t mean what happened at the last straw, that triggered her decision, but what’s been happening for years now. THAT is the root of things, and you can’t just ask some random people in a forum what to say to get her back, because this is SO deeply-rooted that things will continue to fall apart. You can’t band-aid this.

“but but but… I LOVE her/him”… So? What does that even mean? Here’s another earth-shattering revelation: Love does NOT conquer all. Also, “love” is not permanent. Finally, “love” is a nominalization. That’s when you take an abstract concept (usually an emotion) and give it a label, in the form of a noun. The neat thing is, that label represents DIFFERENT things for different people. So when you say you love someone, under the hood, it means something DIFFERENT to every person in the world. That’s really what makes us all different unique snowflakes. We all use the same language, yet we disagree about our interpretations on things, on a deep emotional level that is difficult to explain with spoken language. That should not be a surprise.

Your emotions towards other people, just like everything else in this world, are temporary. EVERYTHING is temporary. I know that can seem like a tough pill to swallow to some, but I really think this is a GOOD thing. Accepting and embracing the impermanence of everything is the best way to truly cherish every good moment you have in this life. And if you’re clinging to this “love” for someone as a reason to live a shitty life, then that means your label of “love” is backed by all sorts of fear-of-loss type emotions. In other words, it’s desperation.

“She’s the only girl I can love like this”… To me, this means “she’s the only girl that’s ever paid attention to me!” It’s a really unhealthy scarcity mindset. A lot of people think this whole “abundance mindset” thing is for the “pickup guys” to have a better attitude. And while it’s definitely a useful attitude to have success in that field, I think it’s a useful attitude in ALL of life’s areas. If you can be truly happy, knowing that everything is impermanent, then you have an abundance mindset.

Notice that I’m not even bothering to talk about specific tricks to get over this one person. This is deep enough that it should permeate the very fabric of your being, and flow into EVERY area of your life. So instead of dwelling on how you’ll never have the same thing again, realize how wonderful that is, and ask yourself, “what if this were only the beginning?” Because it’s not the end result that matters – it’s the process of getting there. And if you can enjoy that process, you won’t have such a sense of loss when you lose it. It really is the amazing hike up the trail that matters. The view is just a bonus. It should not be the source of your happiness and validation. It should complement things nicely, but your validation should not come from the outside. Having the girl, getting the job, etc. Those things don’t validate your life. Your life validates your life.

The things you need to do that “would” get your ex back, would make you into someone who doesn’t WANT the ex back. That’s the thing. You can’t just “change” and act like you’re doing it for yourself, when you secretly hope that you get that ex back. That doesn’t work, because eliminating that “secret hope” IS the key to her wanting you back, and you know what? You can’t fake it. I’m sure HowToGetBack sells a great product, full of ways to fake it, but the truth is, you just plain can’t fake what your core beliefs and values are. It’s life’s fail-safe. So you might as well focus on being a better person for you, and be genuine about it. Because if you aren’t genuine about it, you’re only screwing yourself. Hike on, friends!

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papergoddess

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