How to Regain the Trust You Had in Your Spouse
Maybe you thought that everything was well, that all was well with your marriage, that you had no problems to speak of, and that life was good. Then came the moment that you found out about the affair and the ground dropped out from beneath you. You entered a living nightmare, you didn’t know how this had happened, you didn’t know why it had happened, and what was once a vision of a happy future had become an empty void. But you were able to work through everything and as you were not ready to give up on your marriage you gave your second spouse. The difficulty, as you have probably already noticed, is in how to regain the trust you had in your spouse.
A relationship cannot exist, cannot operate, and cannot move forward without trust. You cannot properly heal and move forward until you can trust again. It’s not going to be easy, it will take a long time, and you have to face the prospect that you might never be able to trust your spouse again.
If your spouse had problems in the relationship then they should have spoken to you about them, instead, of their own free will, they had an affair. They need to be able to give you a proper apology, one that acknowledges what they did, that reaffirms their commitment to you, that shows how sorry they are, and most important of all, an apology that shows that they can understand that pain that they have put you through, and are probably still going through. If you want to regain the trust you had in your spouse you have to believe that they are truly sorry, and that they are totally committed to you and your marriage.
They need to completely sever all contact with the other person, they might have known them all their days, it doesn’t matter, they can no longer have any contact. It might also help if you can hear your spouse make the call.
In order to regain the trust that you had in your spouse, you need to know all the details about the affair. As you possibly know, if you don’t have any of the details it gives your imagination licence to run riot, and have you imagining all kinds of things. If you know what has happened then you won’t always be wondering. It’s your decision as to how much detail you want. This is also a good test for seeing if your spouse can tell you the truth. If they tried to hide anything then their body language will give them away, and you need to know what they are hiding.
They might try to excuse or justify what they did, there is no excuse, they betrayed their sacred vows for their own selfish pleasure. If they try to wriggle out of it, you need to ask yourself why. You are taking a chance on them, they should be grateful to you for it.
You will be going through a period when every time your spouse leaves your sight you are going to be wondering just where they are, what they are doing, who they are seeing, and it can drive you to distraction. If you want to regain the trust that you had in your spouse then they need to make their lives an open book. They need to tell you where they are going, what they will do, who they see. Ideally this should come from them, but it can also help if you have access to their credit card statement, phone records, emails, social network sites, anything that can show you that they are telling the truth.
Your spouse shouldn’t keep any secrets from you. And let’s face it, there should never be any secrets in a relationship, if you are both committed to each other and the relationship, then sharing you lives together should be second nature, there is no need or point in hiding anything.
If they say that they are going to do something then they have to do it, although if on occasion they forget the small things, then remember that your spouse is only human. Each time that they keep their word, even if it’s only taking out the trash, then your mind will register that fact and they will have won back a tiny bit of trust. If they are unable to do something then they have to let you know. If they are going to be late, or their routine has to change all of a sudden, they have to let you know. None of this is groundbreaking stuff, it’s basic good manners, but keeping you in the loop about what’s happening will mean that your imagination doesn’t have to go into overdrive.
You are going to have a good time and bad times, eventually, the good times will be more frequent than the bad ones. You need you spouse to be there for you, whether it’s to shout and scream at them, or to talk through your emotions, they need to be there for you. The more that they are there for you, and the more that they show you that they love and care for you then the easier your life will become. You will never forget what has happened but you will find it easier to deal with as time moves on.
How to regain the trust you had in your spouse? Be patient, it will take time. Talk things through with them so that they can understand what you are going through and so that they can help and support you. Make sure that they share their life with you, and watch them do their best to heal you and your marriage. If they do nothing to show that they are abusing your trust then trust them. It’s a leap of faith on your part, but until you can trust them then you will not move on. Give yourselves some joint goals to work towards, you know the things, vacations, where to live, family etc. Every time you hit a goal then find new ones. If you are constantly working and looking to the future then your marriage will develop a sense of permanence and security. And finally, if you can both commit to creating the best possible marriage that you can, then you could create something really special.