Feeling like i can never deserve love

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    papergoddess
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    Hi! My issue is about not being able to have romantic relationships because of the anxiety it brings me. I’m 23 and have never had a boyfriend. There’s nothing wrong with me from the outside looking, in fact, I always have admirers and guys who ask me out. I’m funny, nice and quite good looking. However, I have a super hard time developing feelings for guys, and the few ones I really fall for never like me back, which makes me feel like a failure and lose hope. I’ve been on many dates with great guys who were serious and were looking for a relationship, and in the beginning when a handsome guy gives me attention I feel thrilled about it and even fantasise about us getting together, but as soon as he actually tells me he likes me or starts showing physical affection, the world turns upside down, and no matter how attracted I was to him, I start feeling sick, and feel like I’m in a parallell universe because a good guy liking me is not supposed to happen in real life, just in my fantasies. It’s like a thousand voices in my head start screaming at me how I don’t deserve it and how life is playing me an evil trick and if I fall for it, something horribly painful will happen and I will make a fool out of myself. I don’t even know how to word or interpret these feelings but they take over me completely and I get confused, sad and repellant towards the guy. It always ends up with me running away and not looking back. I’m always the one to break things up, no guy has ever really rejected me, and yet being rejected scares me so much my subconcious seems to drive me to “leave before I get left” as Taylor Swift puts it… So basically when it’s clear that a guy likes me back, I lose my feelings for him and get super uncomfortable instead. When I date more “douchy”, narcissistic and nonchalant kind of guys, I feel safe, like things are the way they should, but then I also get annoyed by their behaviour and keep thinking that I deserve someone better. I’m so sad, lonely and confused, and I feel like something is wrong with me and I should be ashamed that I don’t deserve love. I’m also a super jealous person, I’m jealous of my friends who are in relationships, I feel deep bitterness and humiliation when the guys I go out with mention previous relationships they’ve had because I feel like I can never have that, despite all the guys who want it with me. I don’t know what to do.

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